Copenhagen Skies
by floorxnorth
Summary: Mathias takes a walk and contemplates his situation. He does not expect however for his secret to be revealed and for things to take a turn for the worst. Rated T for depression and suicidal thoughts. Mild language used. Lukas Norway and Mathias Denmark. DenNor, NorDen? Possibly some SuFin later.
1. Chapter 1

Never did they think of what might have become. I myself never had really saw it coming. Maybe my subconscious had; though I never really believed in the "hidden knowledge in the subconscious" schtick. I always thought that what I known was always there, no doubt about it.

I guess they always assumed that my eyes would reflect the stereotypical skies forever, a deep, clear, joyful blue. A blue that would never grow wary and tired. A blue that reflected everything happy in life. Little did they realize that my once energetic, clear cerulean eyes... Would reflect the jaded, grey skies of my own nation. The kind of grey that fades all the clouds together, unmarking the lines to differentiate which cloud is which, smothering shades together.

I slipped my hands in my pockets. Just another day of trying to slip by. My footsteps falling, metronome, against the ground. 1...2...3...4...1...2...3...4. My heals echo against the ground. They echo against my life. I build my mask around my being. My soul's shoulders, naturally hunched over and fallen, are straightened and broadened. My soul's feet, which are naturally dragging, are picked up in a steady pace. A smile is forced upon my blank and sarcastic exterior, bored eyebrows are raised and laughter exuberates from my diaphragm.

I don't know why I put this mask on myself every day. Perhaps I get a sick pleasure knowing that they really have no idea what they see, is a lie. That what they hear, are all lies, that what they _feel_ is all a lie. They don't hate _me, _they hate the mask I have created. They hate the multicolored outer shell. When they look at me, they don't look to see. When they hear me, they don't hear to listen. If they paid close enough attention, they would pick up on the clues. They would see my wretched grey eyes, they would see the corners around my mouth, turned ever so slightly into a frown. They would realize that they have created a monster.

I walked down the street with my hands in my pockets, listening to my footsteps. I wasn't sure where I was going, or why I was out this late at night, nor did I care. It was cold enough that I could see my breath floating outward from my numbing lips. It was cold enough that I almost wished that I had brought mittens. Almost. It was the middle of February, a fickle month, not able to decide whether or not if it wants warm or cold.

I walked down a street, taking a turn onto another, only to find myself walking towards a bridge. It wasn't too long, nor was it short; but built over water. The echo of my steps growing quieter against the pavement, I sighed into the wools of my scarf.

What would it feel like, I wonder, pushing my goldened hair back. What would it feel like to have the blackish blue, ice cold waters engulf my body and fill my laughing lungs? What would it feel like to have every inch of my life squeezed from my wretched body? What color would my freckles and moles turn after the water absorbed into the caverns of my body, turned me into a greenish purple?

Placing one calloused hand onto the ledge, I hoisted myself onto it with No problem. Standing up slowly, to savor the moment. The wind brushed my hair back and froze tears into the corners of my eyes. The darkness enveloping me in my streetlight spotlight. I let out an empty laugh, enjoying the sound it made against the choppy Nordic waters.

Behind me I heard whisperings against the wind. A gasp and a sigh. Sounds that were not of my being. I slowly turned, making sure I would not fall off. A slim figure appeared behind me. Despite his slim self, he was muscular, just not beefy. A halo of pale blonde hair, neatly groomed also appeared on this figure. I knew who this was. I knew exactly who this was. I also knew that while he was looking at me there was no mask upon my features. I was naked. I was bare. My soul bared right in front of him.

This is who I was. This is who I really was. This is the man that they had created. This was the man that was filling the empty shell of what used to be Mathias Køhler. I couldn't help but... Laugh. His eyes, usually expressionless, bored... Were wide. The indigo orbs, confused, frightened even.

"Mathias..." his voice barely above a whisper.

I heard myself cackle at the sound of my name. I couldn't stop laughing to even reply. It... Hurt to hear him say my name. It hurt to look at what had become of me.

"Mathias what are you doing..." His words almost lost against the wind.

"What the hell does it look like I'm doing?!" I choked back, swallowing my pain back.

".. Get down from there," he gave me a steady harsh look. His eyes bore into mine.

"Now why would I want to do that?" I felt a grin spread across my face.

This was the first time a long while when my smiles were not mere masks upon my face. I could feel myself getting lighter. The burdens were not mine to bare.

"Mathias please." His eyes were starting to plead. I blinked in surprise.

No. No. He did not really care. A was a trick of the light against the darkness.

"Why are you doing this-" he took a step foreword.

I took a step back, loosing my footing. I felt a gasp of air rush into my lungs. All of a sudden the world was light as a feather. Stars in the night sky turned into my vision. Billions of little lights, looking so precious against the dark black emptiness. Memories flood back, of myself laying on the course summer grass, watching the stars turn in the night sky, with a slender, quiet body next to my side. The body beside me tracing lines into the heavens, playing connect the dots. Making pictures of brave warriors fighting side by side. Illustrations of men feasting in Valhalla.

Would I go to Valhalla? I wondered.

Suddenly I saw Lukas' body midst in my vision, he was floating. He was saying something but I couldn't hear it. The cold trapped around my body flinging tears from my eyes, sending them to join the stars in the heavens, only join man my soul in a matter of moments.

Lukas' hand outstretched and grabbed for the fabric of my coat, his thin fingers coaxing themselves into a death grip. I hear him scream my name but I can't bring myself to care.

I hear an ear splitting crack and everything goes cold. Is this what death feels like? Suddenly water rushes around me and everything goes from cold to frozen in a matter of seconds. I see Lukas fighting with determination to pull my head above the black water. His eyes lock with mine and all I can see is sadness. He lifts my head above my wet tomb and I cannot look away. His breaths increasing in seconds, using his muscles he starts swimming us back to shore. I can't move a muscle. Tears spill out of my eyes and I begin to cry.

I begin to cry out every emotion I am feeling at that moment. Sobs erecting out of my chest and crying out of my mouth. The water starts pouring into my mouth and I begin to choke. Lukas lifts my head higher, out of the water, he's screaming at me but all I can hear is the sound of my choked sobs.

Finally he pulls both of our bodies onto land. It takes from what feels like an eternity, but was only probably a couple of minutes. He wraps his arms around me and lets me burry my head into his chest. He strokes back my freezing hair and whispers to me things that I cannot make out. He's trying to warm us. He pulls me closer and rubs circles against my back. In return I cling to the fabrics of his coat. He whispers comforting words of reassurance, in return I whimper and shiver.

What was I thinking, was one of the first things I am able to make out from him. I don't know the answer myself so I whimper some more. I think he realizes this.

Slowly but surely he pulls us to our feet. He lets me lean against his small, but sturdy frame. Slowly we walk up and back to the pavement, making our journey home. The tears have long since stopped and I'm able to think more clearly now. Exhaustion runs its course throughout my body and I feel my eyes drooping. I just want to sleep. I just want it to be over.

It's all a haze. I cannot see straight. I hear Lukas yelling at me again but I can't make out his words. My vision doubles and fades to black and I feel myself collapse.


	2. Chapter 2

Into the Darkness

In the dark haze, I can make out certain colors. In the dark haze I can make out certain lines. The darks haze ebbs and flows, like a sea,a sea of which my mind has created. It's not a smooth darkness, it has dusty corners, grimy walls and painted over light fixtures. Soon my eyes begin to adjust, soon my eyes begin to remember.

I traced over the lines of my own house. A house that is now empty. The elder wallpapers are yellowing and pealing away. The carpet is lessening and the wood... Molding. It looks like no one has lived here for a very long time; but someone has lived here. Someone's lived he all along. Through the darkness I am able to make out a ghost of a smile on the clock, the numbers only becoming dirtier as the numbers got larger. Through the darkness I am able to make out the places where bodies had been seated upon the sofa once upon a time. Through the darkness I... Notice something. I notice a bookshelf that has... Never been there before. The dark woods of this bookshelf... Scratched at and worn out, but not dirty and forgotten like the rest of the house. There were a number of books and darkened picture frames. I slowly walk towards this forgotten memory, just remembering that I am able to move myself. My calloused fingers reaching out towards what appeared to be a photo album. I flipped open to the first page.

On the yellow paper, stuck a photograph. The photograph was blurry, but I was still able to make out some of the features. A man was etched into the paper, and he was holding a small child. The small child looked joyful and blessed. The older man appeared gruff, but smiling. The man's rough, long, tangled beard was tickling the child's nose, and the child was laughing. The longer I looked at the photograph, the longer it had to develop against the dark grains of my memory. Behind the man was a beautiful woman. She looked like a fearsome warrior, but was still yet feminine. She fed a small boy, tall for his age, from a cup. The cup containing only but mothers milk. Her naturally harsh gaze was turned soft as she looked upon the small child's innocent face. Next to her, stood a small blonde boy. He looked almost as old as the child who stood with the man, but a little bit younger. Also a bit shyer. The boy was clutching the cloth of the woman's dress, and carrying a sack doll. This doll was roughly made and vaguely resembled a rabbit.

Suddenly upon looking at this picture, it suddenly started playing out, like a movie. The first boy, was laughing joyous laughter, while the man who was holding him was chuckling and holding him tightly. A tight smile spread across his battle worn face.

The woman behind him, was singing a sweet song, in a language which I had faintly understood. The boy she was holding was watching her intensely while drinking from her cup, and she smiled down at him, knowing that he was hers to love.

The child behind the woman seemed to be watching the man and the son he was laughing with. He seemed like he wanted to come and play, but was too shy to do so. The older child seemed to notice him and beckoned him forth. It seemed that the older man noticed this boy as well and picked him up. Leaning forward he planted a kiss on the other boys' head and laughed. The original boy, who had spikey hair, similar to my own, gazed upon this smaller boys' face and planted a kiss on the same spot where his father had kissed.

The boy who had more neat of hair, wrinkled his nose and returned the favor.

By this time the woman seemed to have noticed the commotion going about and stood, still holding the child with an intense gaze. She cradled him in her arms and leaned over the man to get a better look at the boys. The look on her softened, windblown face was... Maternal. She then gazed at the man and kissed him on the lips, a shadow of blossoms on her cheeks. The boy with unruly hair seemed embarrassed and buried his face in his fathers' shoulder. The boy who held the make shift rabbit, stared unblinkingly but grabbed for the other boy's hand. This made the embarrassed child feel better.

Suddenly I felt a hand grip my shoulder, pain etched throughout my body, turning it from calm warmth to rigid, piercing cold. A scream echoed from my lungs and the book I had held had fallen to the ground. The house around me was beginning to disappear, corners were starting to fade, the ceiling was beginning to cave in and the floor was snapping from under my feet.

I heard someone screaming my name and I was pulled from the darkness.

"Mathias," his voice rung through my mind as if I was standing right next to a bell tower.

I slowly opened my tired greyed eyes and looked at the man standing before me. His clothes were wet, and his hair was frozen, sticking to different places on his face. His eyes filled with.. A slight concern and his tone was filled with panic.

"Luke-" I mumbled groggily.

A sigh of relief echoed from his body and his high alert shoulder fell into a comfortable slouch.

"What were you doing," his voice seemed somehow.. Strained. I could not figure out what exactly it had sounded like.

"Sleepin'." I murmured in reply.

"Mathias that is not, what I meant." tone voice was becoming more harsh to cover up the strain.

I didn't want to talk about what he was referring to however.

The woman's face appeared in my mind again, except, she was smiling at me. This all the more made me want to cry.

"Lukas 'm sorry-" my voice was barely able to make a sound above a whisper.

His face softened and he wrapped his arms around me.

Suddenly I began to notice the happenings around me. A familiar backdrop, I might add, except the floorboards weren't growing mold, the ceiling wasn't caving in and the wallpaper was its natural shade. I froze, and glanced around for the bookshelf. However it was no where to be found.

Lukas looked back at my face and watched with a peculiar sense in wonderment.

He then told me that I should get some rest and curled up beside me, stretching out a blanket upon us. It was just until now that I had noticed we were laying on my couch.

He through his arm protectively over my chest and began falling asleep himself. Only problem was, was that every time I closed my eyes, a new image appeared in my mind.

haha okay chapter two! Welp that might be confusing =u= and I apologize. So basically the images that he keeps seeing are images from when he and the other nations of Scandinavia were just beginning. (I know I'm a bit lame but what can you do, you're going to be stuck with me if you keep reading =u=) Also I apologize for the long wait, school has literally been eating up all my time -n-. I really appreciate all the reviews thanks guys ;3;.


	3. Chapter 3

I watched him as he slept, his breath tickling me at every exhale. All lines of worry had washed away from his face since the beginning of his midnight slumber. I watched his eyes look at images unknown to me, as well as watching his eyes flutter open and shut from time to time. His eyelashes were a darker shade of blonde than the rest of his hair. Little crystals that had been earlier frozen to his lashes were beginning to melt, making it seem like he was crying into the heavy, blissful, silence.

His hair was as well beginning to defrost. Streaks of water ran down the sides of his face and I did my best not to wipe away their disturbance. I was too afraid to wake him.

Lukas was... Beautiful. Not necessarily a feminine beauty, for he was quite masculine. But the word handsome somehow did not do his presence justice. From the curvature of his jaw, to the way his chest moved up and down while he slept, everything about him was.. Beautiful.

Even the way he refused to smile, even when he was genuinely happy, was still beautiful to me.

I guess I started to realize my feelings for Lukas when we were teenagers, though at those times, I was much too fearful to admit them even to myself. The first time that I told him that I loved him.. He was unable to respond. He just stood there, staring at me with unfocused eyes that could freeze a thousand suns. The second time I had told him, he frowned and refused to be in the same room with me for about a month.

There were several times after that, all of which ended in the same way.

It wasn't until he started seeing other people that I realized he wouldn't ever feel the same. I would always remain as the annoying fly crashing against the window of his consciousness.

Things only had gotten worse when Berwald and Tino got together. In the beginning I was happy for them. In the beginning I was truely glad that they had found someone to share their lives together... But as time went on. There was a jealousy that ached against my chest. The very look that Berwald would bestow upon Tino, sickened me. Soon they began seeing so much of each other that I wasn't able to hold no more than a five minute conversation with either of them on the phone without either of them having some sort of distraction.

When they adopted Peter, I got the message. They had just wanted to be their own little family.

And where did that leave me? On my own of course. When time came that I was forced to be in their presence, I would put on a pitiful mask. A mask that would shield me, protect me even.

As time went on, I felt myself digging a desolate hole into my own mind.

I was doing my best as to keep my eyes open. Every time I did have to close them, a new image haunted my being. An image of the beautiful woman. An image of a rambunctious man. A... Very beautiful child, who almost looked like an angel. All of it seemed so real, but it couldn't be. The insanity that I thought I knew was becoming the inevitable, and what I thought I knew, was just the beginning.

I let out a quivering breath and bit my lip. I felt my teeth beginning to make indents against my ghostly lips. Images began flashing before my opened jaded eyes. They began to blur together. The figures turning to colors, turning to whispers. I bit down harder. The metallic taste of rustic blood stained my teeth and the inside of my mouth. Screams echoed throughout the house. i felt myself being pulled from one way or another. I felt sickness externally, piercing every strip of my corpse. My veins burned, my bones ached. Fire filled my throat, scorching every fiber. My voice trapped beneath the fire, not even whispers making it out alive.

"Mathias," a voice whispered throughout my mind.

No, it was just another trick. Just another voice in my head.

"Mathias wake up-" I felt steady hands grip my cheeks.

My eyelids fluttered open. Lukas was leaning over me, cupping my face, with the slightest bit of concern echoing across his face.

I blinked several times. Was I... Dreaming? No, it was too real. But this wasn't what Lukas would do. He would never voluntarily show such care to me. He didn't even _like _me.

I pushed his hands off of my cheeks, and turned my steele gaze to the ground.

"Mathias," he uttered softly.

He took my refusal to look at him as some sort of sick invite. Slowly he slipped his hands behind my neck, his fingers curling at the tips of my hair. Shock spread across my body.

"Lukas-" I started, my jaw going slack.

Wait, what was I going to say?

I turned to look at him. This is not what I had expected from him.

He lowered his body and pressed against mine. I could almost taste his breath. I could feel his heart beat, beating against mine. His elegant hands reached up and cupped my cheeks once more. Slowly he pressed his lips against mine, sliding his tongue against my lips, demanding a way in.

My eyes grew wide. This was everything that is wanted and more... So why didn't it feel right?

* * *

Alright welp that chapter sucked, I hope I didn't disappoint you guys too much. I honestly don't know how long this will be. Probably about five chapters. Yeah. Also sorry for spelling mistakes, my iPad is literally possessed. Thank thank thank for all the reviews ahhhh you guys are so sweet! /smooches you all yes.


	4. Chapter 4

His kisses tasted sweet. Sweet like freshly crisped apples in the beginning of summer. Sweet like a child eating cotton candy for the first time. It seemed like every night, since I was younger, I had been imagining what he would feel like, what he would taste like. How he moved and responded to my every touch. I never really thought that such wishful thinking might materialize before my very eyes.

But this was wrong. It was so, so wrong. I was not able to ignore the sickening feeling in my stomach; I was not able to think clearly. It all felt like a misshappened dream. But... It wasn't, it couldn't be.

Lukas pulled away, a small smile etched across his face. It was like he was looking at me, but not really.. Looking at me. Like his eyes were gazing upon mine but were looking just past, and at someone else's.

* * *

They told me that he had some kind of nervous breakdown but I... Couldn't believe them, I would not believe them. I watched him as he slept, unsleepingly, in the hospital bed. The doctors said that when he fell... When he jumped, that he somehow hit his head. Now the doctors were able to stop the bleeding and were able to keep the swelling under control, but he was stuck in a coma. He was stuck in a veil that was living nor dead.

I sipped from the coffee cup that the nurse had given to me an hour before. It was tasteless and I could vaguely taste whatever soap they used to wash the cups, but it was coffee nonetheless.

Earlier I had called Emil, Berwald and Tino. Berwald and Tino were going to come on the next flight in and Emil had said that he would be on the first flight out of Iceland.

I was left to my own devices. I watched Mathias as he slept. He looked so.. Peaceful. His hair wasn't standing up, defying every which brush, bouncing happily like his own personality, it was... Flat and little bits and pieces had stuck to his forehead. His eyes twitched under his eyelids, fluttering between images in his dreams. I wonder what he was dreaming about?

I shook my head at the thought. Probably something stupid.

It was almost as if he was sleeping, but if he was sleeping then why wouldn't the idiot just wake up?

I grimaced and set my empty coffee cup down.

The sound of rapid knocking reached my ears and I turned towards the door. Just as I was turning I saw Emil slipping into the room. He looked as if he hadn't slept a wink.

"Emil-" I started.

"What happened- is he alright- what's the matter with him," His mouth kept fumbling over his own words.

I motioned for him to sit next to me, patting the uncomfortable seat. After he sat down and breathed for a minute I began to explain.

"The doctors are saying that he had some sort of mental breakdown," I swallowed. "And hit his head,"

Emil froze before responding.

"Where did they find him?" His voice was barely above a whisper.

I looked at Mathias, unable to take my eyes off of him. He somehow looked troubled in his state of manner.

"On the side of a river," was all I was able to let out, half of my own voice caught in my suddenly dried throat.

Emil leaned forward and buried his paled face into his hands. His silvered hair brushing over his finger tips.

Emil looked as if he got ready when he was half asleep, in the dark and in about one minute. His shirt was buttoned wrong and his pants, wrinkled. From what I could see it also appeared that he was wearing mismatched socks as well.

"And what did he hit his head on," I could barely hear his voice through his hands.

"The bridge he jumped off of," I swallowed.

I shook my head. I didn't want to think about this. I just wanted him to wake up. I just wanted everything to go back to normal.

I remember the first time I had met Mathias. We were just children, unknowing to everything around us. It's a vague memory, and there were many parts missing, but I still remember. I remember how small he was, compared to how large he is now. I remember the twinkle in his sky blue eyes, how they looked like the ocean on a June's summer day. The freckles that sprinkled lightly over his face, the way his smile was brighter than the sun.

I frowned to myself. How was this still the same man that I had met so long ago.

I brushed back some stray strands of hair from my face and looked down at my feet. The shoes that I had picked to wear before I ran out of the door had been my comfortable black easy-slip-on leather shoes. My khaki pants just barely brushed the back of my feet, exposing the socks that I had worn to bed last night. My shirt was a casual button up shirt, with multiples of blue stripes laying vertically upon the fabric.

Emil was mumbling to himself, but I thought to leave him be. I gazed upon Mathias again, his state of manner remaining unchanged. I frowned. This wasn't how it was supposed to be, this wasn't what I wanted it to be. A pain began aching in my chest. It wasn't sharp, it was dull and felt like it was eating away at my ribs and destroying my chest cavity. It was a dull pain but a pain none the less.

Memories started slowly flooding back, playing like a broken record, of all the times that I had told him that I had hated him and wanted him to go away. How many we're the times? Hundreds? Thousands? Countless. How ironic was it that all I wanted him to do was say something, do something, anything, even laugh his obnoxious laugh. Just so that he could be here, rather be mentally elsewhere.

"Lukas," I heard my brother through my haze.

But I chose not to answer.

* * *

I opened my eyes again, but instead of Lukas smiling down on me, I found myself in an open field.

Flowers were scattered throughout the tall grasses. A light breeze played against the colors and made sounds that could closely be called music. Familiarity plagued me, but I've never been here before. I know I haven't. I couldn't have.

So if I hadn't been here before, why was there this gnawing feeling in my stomach?

* * *

Bet you guys didn't expect an update that fast, but I'm sick and I have nothing else to distract me so. Welp I don't know if any of you saw that coming, I sure didn't /wonk. Thank you all for such wonderful reviews ahhhh you guys are so amazing ijedujdejdejuedjuedj thanks! ;u;


	5. Chapter 5

_Familiarity plagued me, but I've never been here before. I know I haven't. I couldn't have. _

__Cracks in my vision begin to crumble, I feel like as though a part of me is on fire, but I cannot tell which part of me burns. I looked down at my hands. My _hands._ My normally strongly built hands were... Fading. Locks of flowers danced behind the opacity of my bared cracked skin but... I didn't feel like my life was in any way in danger. Truthfully, I felt strangely at peace. People around me began to materialize and the burning sensation was turning into a strange warmth.

_First a man appears, holding hands with a small child, who resembled much of myself. Second another child, who looked said he was born from cherubs above, who was holding the hand of the other child. Next was the woman again, carrying a small child with eyes born of the stormy sea. _

_The man started talking but this time, this time I could tell of what he was saying. _

_"..'nd then Mathias an' I sho' th' dear mid leap! Id't tha' amazin'?!" The older man bellowed into laughter._

_Mathias? But wait..._

_"I'm sure it was quite the site," The woman smiled. "I'm sorry we missed it," She stroked the youngest child's head._

_"Lukas, ya' comin" next time m'boy?" The gruff man gazed down upon the middle child._

_Lukas?!_

This was becoming all too much. The pits of my stomach began churning and I was beginning to feel sick. What was this? Was I dreaming again? I don't remember falling asle_ep._

_"Yes Papa," Lukas quietly chirped. _

_Mathias glanced at Lukas and grinned at him. From what I could see, it looked like he squeezed Mathias' hand._

I began to feel even sicker, the entirety of the world around me began to spin and I fell to my knees, my lips quivering and a cold sweat breaking upon my skin. Bile rose up in the back of my throat and I began to vomit. My hands splayed against the serface; but when I opened my eyes, my hands weren't pressed up against the coarse grasses, they were pressed against the cold hard tile of my bathroom.

_Lukas rubbed my back in large slow circle_s; _whispering kind words as wretched vomit ached from my insides and into the bowls of my toilet._

_"This is why we don't have drinking contests against your brothers, even though you may win, you won't actually 'win'," he sighed._

_I felt him press his lips up against my shoulder, kissing it tenderly._

_I felt tears brimming out of the corners of my eyes._

_"Mathias? Kjærlighet?" he whispered._

_I heard the concern in his voice, I heard the tenderness in his voice, I HEARD the love in his voice but it was too much. Slow sobs erected out of the caverns of my chest and I let out every emotion, every hidden, every masked emotion I let everything out. _

_"Kære, what's wrong-" I heard him frown while he wrapped his arms around my shivering body. _

_"I jus' love ye so much Luke-" I turned and wrapped my own arms around him, burying my head in his chest, sobs releasing from my own. _

_"I love ya too-" he whispered._

I wanted it. I wanted it to be true, I wanted him to love me so bad. But as much as I wanted it... It just didn't feel right. My head began to spin and I felt the overwhelming feeling like I was about to puke again.

_Darkness. I was sitting in complete darkness. But this time instead of having the comfort of Lukas, caressing my vulgar body, I was laying on my bathroom floor, naked and alone._

_I picked up my phone and dialed a number, his number,_

_" 'lo?" A groggy voice answered._

_"Hej Lukas," I mumbled miserably._

_"What do you want NOW," he grumbled angrily in my ear._

_"Why don't ye love me Lukas-" my voice was quivering, I was at wits end._

_"Mathias this isn't a simple answer but, I will never love you, why won't you just get the message?!" He was getting angry... Again._

_"'m sorry Luke but I just-" I began, I wasn't sure how much longer my voice would last._

_"Mathias, there's someone else." He said defiantly before hanging up._

_Someone else. There was someone else._

_Pitiful sobs cried out from my body. My fingers clenched my hair and tugged as hard as they could. Tears spilt from my eyes, dripping down my face like a creek trickling past vast stones and rocks down into larger rivers and lakes. The tears pooled on the angles of my cheeks and spilled down to water the rest of my body. _

* * *

I had been awake for the last 36 hours. 17 cups of coffee later and I myself felt like going to sleep.. But I couldn't bring myself to. What if he had awoken while I was asleep?

I remembered the last conversation I had had with him. He had called me at 3 am, dead drunk and ... Pathetic sounding. He asked me a simple question, that did deserve some truth, but never received any. I have regretted it ever since but my pride was too large for me to ever admit that I had lied. Even if it did mean him being somewhat happier.

He just always seemed so happy to me.

I mean, he was right?

Right?

Emil was sleeping, with his head resting on my shoulder. He looked peaceful, like everyone does while they're sleeping.

I mean if there weren't dried tears on his face maybe I would have believed that he was peaceful.

Carefully I slipped out from under Emil's slumber and rested his head against the chair. Slowly I placed myself on Mathias' hospitalized tomb. I curled against his body and watched his chest move up and down. Inhale... And exhale... Inhale... Exhale. I traced the contours of his nose with my fore and middle finger. I counted the degrees against his nose, and let my fingers travel against his rosed, cracked lips; letting them rest against his bottom lip.

It was almost as if I had forgotten how handsome he really was. From the honeyed glow of his golden hair, to the angels of his chin and jaw. Even the rugged appearance of his nose, which you could tell the exact places where his nose had been broken, the couple times that it had. Most of which were from battle or during raids. A few however were created from a fight or two with Berwald.

I wondered what he tasted like. Would he taste like the countless pastries he made throughout the spring and winter months, or would he taste like stale beer and smørbrød. Curiosity was beginning to kill the cats of my own mind and I leaned forward and kissed his slowly breathing body. Storing the memories deep within the caverns of my own mind, I kissed him longer. I didn't want to stop. I wanted him to kiss me back. I wanted him to wake up. I wanted him to love me back.

I was cruel, I know. Believe me, I knew and was reminded every waking minute. Why did I even waste my time running around, pretending that of which what was, never was?

Was I the reason he was in this state anyways?

* * *

I felt... Something. I felt something that was off. My body, frozen stiff, was becoming warmer to a touch. I couldn't move. Why couldn't I move?

I felt fingers trace against the skin on my nose. Slowly tracing, as if they wanted to remember the moment forever and cherish it forever in their heart. Slowly their fingers slid down against my lips, with them remaining there for quite some time.

Time.

But what was time.

Time was irrelevant in the state that I felt myself in. I could feel everything going on around me, but all I could see was nothing but ebony darkness. It was as if all clocks had stopped and every moment that ever was, was replaying at every single moment after that, but only in different places in the universe. Every single moment was playing at every single point in time.

Lips, so warm and so... Unfamiliar pressed against mine. I felt their tongue slowly splay across my lips, tasting my every taste and scent.

I wanted to open my eyes, I wanted to see.

I wanted to react, to move, to know!

I screamed out in frustration and clawed at my face. Tears fell in anger and frustraiton, why couldn't I just _move. _

Cracks of light began to show through my darkness. I felt my being being torn from my own and placed into another. My head spun and my muscles ached. There was a sharpened pain on the top of my head and I could hear the beeping of medical monitors and I could feel the IV's dripping onto my body.

A gasp of my own clawed at the air and tore through my body. I choked out. I could hear someone calling my name. I could feel them gripping my broadened shoulders.

I opened my eyes for what felt like the first time in a while. Before me I saw an unfamiliar room. I gasped for air once more, as if I had forgotten to breathe while in my deep sleep. I turned to look at the being holding me to the bed.

A shocked expression clung to his face like a child to its mother. His blonde hair ungroomed, his cheeks rosey with a blush and indigo eyes that I would recognize anywhere.

_"Lukas!"_ I cried out.

* * *

Welp! So I guess it's going to have six chapters then, because I'm not leaving the story just at this, I dunno that would feel like a really unfinished ending. So. Here you have it folks. Now I could go on and explain some of the psychological stuff that goes down, because surprise surprise, I do actually have a method to my madness, but I don't think I'll explain it (unless you actually ask of course) because that's really the fun in examining and reading so.

Thank you guys so much for the reviews they are so special I just love them ungh you guys are so nice I love you all /smooches

Oh! So I did get to use some Danish and Norwegian. I speak danish myself, but my Norwegian is definitely not as great, so I had to have my friend help a brotha out and help me out with that tiny bit but yeah.

_Kjærlighet: Love(n) Norwegian (I knew the danish word for this but I couldn't find the Norwrgian, . thanks friend) _

_Kære: Dear(?I'm not sure what to call this article? Maybe a noun?) Danish_

_smørbrød: An open faced sandwich(n) (really popular in Denmark!) Danish_


	6. Chapter 6

Screaming. All I could hear was screaming. My eyes darted all over the room, trying to understand where the screaming was coming from, however I could find no source. Lukas was trying to hold me down, he was yelling something but I couldn't understand what he was saying.

The screaming was so loud.

Flashes of light echoed throughout the room, the room was unlike where I had fallen asleep. Wait... Did I fall asleep? I couldn't remember, it was all a fog. I remember the cold leaking into my pores, I remember my clothes sticking to my body freezing in place as if interlocked with time in a photograph.

The screaming was beginning to stop, I could feel my own throat frowning hoarse. I glanced to my left and found Emil to my right, the expression that laid upon his face was terrified. His face was almost as pale as his hair. He was shaking, his eyes terrified.

I glanced ate the figure before me. Lukas. Lukas was trembling as well, but his face betrayed none of which he was feeling. Lukas was always so strong, even when everyone else was breaking he was always the cement when the brick crumbled.

I felt warmed hands cup my cheeks and hold my face in place. I swallowed and peered before me.

Everything was still.

"Mathias," His voice echoed through my ears.

I felt myself relax slightly.

"Mathias," He mumbled again.

Everything moved slowly. I was fixated on his eyes. His deep corrupted stormy blue eyes. I felt dizzy again. My stomach churned and I felt like the ground was crumbling beneath me. Crumbling... Shaking but yet somehow undisturbed.

A tightness began to consume the caverns of my chest. Tightening an unloose screw until blisters form on the palms of the hands of the captor. My walls collapsing into themselves causing a suffocation to put me in a choke hold. I gasped for breath, the edges of my vision becoming dark and blurred. Along with the unnoticed yelling around me I could hear my heart pounding in my head, my throat, my ears, my toes; only speeding up more becoming in sync with the last drum beat.

_I was pulled into the darkness once more._

* * *

"Nurse!" I yelled several times, unsure of my cries being heard.

Mathias was clutching his chest, wheezing as if someone had been sitting on his gasping throat. His already paled face was becoming whiter as he clawed for air against his lungs.

A newly awakened, panicked Emil was screaming at the doctors. I was being torn away from Mathias, I struggled against the firm grip, wanting to stay by his already emptied side. Hands held me back, hands trapped me, hands suffocated my actions and words with little to no effort.

_I watched in helplessness as he slipped into unconsciousness. _

* * *

_I walked down a street, taking a turn onto another, only to my hair back and froze tears into the corners of my eyes. The darkness enveloping me in my streetlight spotlight. I let out an empty laugh, enjoying the sound it made against the choppy Nordic waters._

No, no I would not do this again. I knew what would happen next... Lukas? Lukas! A familiar tingle traced the contours of my face and I shuddered.

Lukas should be behind me but something was... Different.

This version was quieter.

_My laughter filled the empty air, not a body to be found in sight. Not a body that would be expected. My leathered soles of my shoes played against the cement of the bridge wall, a dance. Hell, one last dance before it was time to go. A slow waltz with death. The echo of the scrape bounced off of each individual frozen snow flake, reflecting the omniscient happenings that were yet to come. _

Suddenly a memory of Lukas rejecting me for the last time played in my sorrow stuck mind. I winced in pain. There was a pain in my chest, tightening me and bounding me without breath.

One gust of wind was all it took.

_A scream locked inside my own gasping throat. _

* * *

The doctor had calmly explained that Mathias had once more had another panic attack and had passed out due to hyperventilation. He explained that they had to sedate him. With the silvery fingers of a sedative he was...

He was asleep again.

What set off this panic attack escaped him. Maybe it was how close Lukas was in his proximity. Maybe it was the kiss, though I was sure that Mathias was still unconscious for that... At least I hoped.

Once again I was watching the sedated Dane, except this time I was keeping my hands to myself.

I saw Emil glance at me from the corner of his eye. His body slumped along with a small sigh pushing out of his juvenile body. He slowly scooted over towards me and quietly leaned his head against my slumped shoulder.

"At least he woke up," he offered to me quietly.

Only to wake up to such terror that he scared himself into hyperventilation.

"Lukas," he turned to me when I didn't answer.

My emptied eyes remained on the Dane.

"... He called me," he said with a quieted voice barely above a whisper.

This time I did tear my eyes away from Mathias. Motioning for him to beckon forth with what he was planning in telling me.

"I.. I thought he was drunk, I told h-him t-," his voice was beginning to crack.

"To what," I interrupted.

"I told him to leave me alone if he w-was going to waste my time- Lukas what if I- What if it's my fault-. What if that's the last thing I'll ever say to him-," tears threatening the corners of his demeanor.

I quietly slipped my arms around his shoulders. He thought that this was his fault. His fault. How could he possibly think that, everyone knew Mathias had always loved Emil as if he was his own brother... Or even some might say son. Emil never himself said, but he had the same ties to the nation. I would myself never truely understand the bond created after I left the Kalmar Union but I believe they took care of each other to the very end.

"Emil," I mumbled with a hushed tone, feeling his arms slip into the hug as well. I quietly gave him a reassuring squeeze before continuing on. "It's not your fault, you got that?" I stroked a few stray hairs back before mumbling comforting words in hushed tones.

Just then, the door swung open, revealing a very distraught Fin and a discombobulated, slightly concerned Swede.

"How is he?!" Tino burst out, rushing to Mathias' side, examining his doped face before glancing back to my own body, obviously taking note of my own sleep deprivation.

I tried explaining as calmly as I could while trying to mask my own tightened voice. Emil giving input when needed at appropriate times. Though Berwald wouldn't probably outwardly show it, the way his shoulders were carried forward and the way the corner of his mouth would twitch every now and then, it was easy to tell that he was concerned.

Tino had taken to fussing over everything in the room to calm his nerves, as well as asking us to repeat the information that we just gave him, over and over and over again.

I myself am finding it harder to speak and resulted in blankly staring at Mathias while Emil faired by himself, bracing against Tino's mannerismed questions. I just stare blankly at the restful body, trying to reassure that everything is going to be alright. I glance back at Berwald and find him staring at Mathias' sleeping body as well. He looked as though something was digging on his insides, and opened his mouth to speak.

"I... Tol' him tha' I never wanted t' see 'm ever again the las' time I saw 'm," He spoke in a low voice, just barely above a whisper.

Tino and Emil went quiet before turning their heads to look at him. I turned back to Mathias and watched his chest rise and fall.

"Ber-" Tino started.

I held up one hand to stop him. I half expected him to ignore me but he went quiet almost immediately.

"It sounds like we were all pretty terrible to him," I said indefinitely.

There was a silent mutual agreement.

"Did anyone ever realize what was going on with him?" Tino whispered.

_We took everyone's silence as a no. _

* * *

I could hear voices around me though I was unclear as to whom they belonged to. Shuffling of feat, continuing on with conversations. I remained still, pretending that I was asleep.

"He probably hates us," I heard Emil mumble.

Who hated them?

"Probably," Berwald sighed.

"How could we make it up to him?" I heard Tino quietly pipe up.

"We can't," A voice belonging to a certain Norwegian.

I opened my slept through eyes and watched them quietly. Careful not to make any noise or sound. Berwald was standing next to Tino, who was fretting and wringing his hands. Emil was sitting closest to me and was curled up in his hospitalized seat. And then there was Lukas. Lukas sat the next closest to me, on the other side of Emil. His eyes always looking, empty voids that could always be filled but never full. Forever empty.

I cleared my throat, staring at all of them. Everyone turned and stared. Their lighted eyes widening in.. Horror? Concern? Surprise? A combination of all three?

"Mathias?" Emil said slowly.

"Ja?" I frowned, not really caring if they saw me like this anymore. Plus, my head ached.

Tino blinked slowly, obviously not expecting this, he took a half step backwards and absentmindedly took Berwald's hand into his own.

I took my own head and placed it in my hands and shook it back and forth.

I felt a sickening knot in my stomach form, aching throughout my entire abdomen.

"Out," Lukas turned to everyone else, pointing at the door. I blinked, as well as everyone else. While Tino and Berwald slowly made their way to the door, giving Lukas strange looks on the way to, Emil seemed to be rooted in his seat, face fighting with determination.

"Out," repeated Lukas, a glare etching across his porcelain face. This time Emil did slowly make his way to the door, leaving me with a long lasting glance.

"What do ye want," I glanced away, fixating my eyes on my toes that were buried underneath several chilled, stiff blankets.

"I wanted to apologize," He replied simply, keeping his gaze upon me.

"For what?" I scoffed. "Are you sorry because I tried to kill myself, or because ye actually really do pity me," My chapped lips turned down into a frown.

"That's part of it," he sighed.

Slowly I felt a weight change in the bed, the mattress sinking to the side slightly. My eyes flickered to the figure that sat beside myself. He wasn't looking at me, his eyes remained fixated on the blankets as he shifted closer to me.

"Lukas what the hell are ye playing at?" I looked away from him. Looking at him hurt.

Images flashed before my eyes of him pulling me out of the frozen depths of the water. The lie that I wished for truth. I swallowed before shifting away slightly.

In return he shifted closer.

"Stop," I barely managed out. My throat tightening slightly. I turned my head to face the exact opposite wall of him.

"You're such an idiot," he mumbled.

"If you're only here to insult me then get out," I didn't want him to leave though, but I didn't want him to hurt me anymore. I hated it. I hated how he made me feel, I hated everything that my mind created, I hated everything that it didn't.

"I'm not here to insult you," he replied simply.

"Then what do you want from me," I felt tears brimming in my eyes, was it so hard to leave me be when I wanted to be alone, and not when I didn't?

I felt a sigh escape from the body next to me. Slowly he reached his hands over and found my face. He held my face and made me look at him. My head was pounding. A slow shudder spread across my own body, pressing against him. His eyes met mine, locked for what might have been minutes, minutes in which I was unable to count. Slowly he pressed a kiss against my lips. A sensation that some how I was acquainted with. I was frozen in place, all my emotions pressing against my skin, threatening to burst out. I kissed him back, taking his face in my own roughly shapen hands, pulling him closer. Pressing his body flush against my own.

His fingers slowly slipped from my freckle dusted face and into my limp hair. He tugged slightly at my hair, deepening the kiss.

I was confused, I most certainly didn't know why he was kissing mom even a week after him telling me that he would never love me the way that I loved him. Perhaps it was out of pity, perhaps it was out of shame. I was able to however, pretend that maybe, just maybe, he loved me the same way that I loved him. At least for a little while.

He broke the kiss, pulling away from me so he could look at me. His voided eyes taking in the scene before him.

My chest was beginning to ache again, but differently.

"Why are you doing this to me," I whispered quietly.

This apparently, wasn't what he had expected to hear. His facial expression melted into face of guilt. Guilt? Or was it pity? I could tell that he was struggling to put and string words together, however I did no such thing to help him in these matters. I needed to know, even though I had a feeling I knew what the answer was.

The answer was going to be something along the lines of how he thought it was his fault that I was in the state that I was in.

He open and closed his mouth a couple of times before actually allowing words to flow from his kissed red lips.

"Because.. I love you," he whispered.

No, no he had to be lying. There was no way that this was at all truth leaking from his lips.

"I mean it Mathias, I love you-" he managed, swallowing.

I stared at him, unable to compute the words that had somehow escaped from his body. How many years had I been waiting to hear that from him? How many nights drunken into an oblivion because of those simple but yet so filled and complex words. Tears pricked my eyes and I felt the tightness in my chest pull tighter once more. Sobs caught my throat, making me unable to speak. I gathered him in my arms and clung to his sleeplessness frame, slowly letting the tears leak out into his crisped clothing.

In return he wrapped his own arms around me, whispering words of reassurance. These words however only made me sob more and need him more. Never had I ever need those words more than I did now.

_Never did I need him, more than I did right now._

* * *

Welp there you have it folks. However this is not the end. Even though I said it would be. Yep I suck I know, but I swear to god that the next chapter is just going to be fluff. Kind of residual falling action I guess. I actually thought about splitting up this chapter into two chapters because it was so long but I really wanted to fit it all into one chapter so, here you go! Happy Christmas, Merry Easter, Feliz Kwanza and all that jazz.

Yeah I really hate this chapter, I dunno I just hate my writing style in general I guess but whatever. Not like I can immediately do anything about it, because holy balls this took me forever to write. I mean it probably didnt help that ive been like writing another fict in the side but like I had major writers block. For like a week I was only able to write like one sentence a day. Like it was that bad. But yesterday and today I was able to write and finish this so... Here it is. Yuuuup. I hope I don't like disappoint you tooooo much with it's suckiness.

Thank you guys so much for all the reviews like you guys are too kind and injnfjcn bwah you're all so perfect and great.

Also I apologize for random mistakes, my iPad like I have said before is possessed and I don't catch everything this sneaky thing does.


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